Mo Goes...to a relationship expert

One of my bests recently went through a doozy of a breakup. While coping & grieving she came across a dating & relationship expert who offered some pretty unique services. Anita at Relationship Reality 312 (www.relationshipreality312.com) is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, with a million other credentials & qualifications, she even blogs for Millionaire Matchmaker. She offers a Girls Night In where you get a group of your girlfriends together & she provides you with wine, appetizers, & 2 hours of Date Coaching for Singles. It was somewhat personalized towards us, based off information she gathered from a questionnaire that we had to fill out a few days before our session, so she had some background on our relationships. Surprisingly, it only cost $50/person. Considering how much wine & snacks I can get down on, I figured it was a win-win for me. 

I was a little skeptical of this “Date Coaching” but, I am always willing to hear people’s advice on any topic, especially professional advice. To be completely honest, I have daddy issues that I know hinder my relationships with men & I’m always struggling to figure out how to get past those issues. The things I do know are: I am ready for a healthy relationship, I’m not sure if I have realistic expectations, I currently attract the wrong type of men for me, & I don’t have the best models of a healthy marriage (aside from my mom & step-dad who have only been married a year so they don’t count). So why not listen to this woman for a couple hours? What could I lose?

I lost NOTHING! I actually gained a lot from our Girls Night In. A lot of people had been asking me what I learned, so I thought I would summarize it here. It’s surprising how many of my girlfriends were interested in this, even the ones in serious, happy relationships were looking for advice. Since this was a group thing, I will just highlight the main points of the evening. They aren’t specifically related to my relationship plight – just general advice:

Look at dating as a filtering process - you’re figuring out who you want to spend your time with, not thinking about making them work for you or making yourself work for them. No matter how great that date is, there is a high probability that they just aren’t for you; that doesn’t have a negative reflection on either them or you. If one date doesn’t work out, don’t fret, just move on to the next!

You aren’t the only one - you should always assume the person you are dating is dating other people, & you should definitely be dating other people. Until you have the “talk” where you define that you’re exclusive, keep your options open & expect them to do the same. 

5 Love Languages - understanding the 5 love languages help you figure out what you need & what your partner needs in a relationship. You might show your love in one love language, but you need to receive love in a different language than you speak. Or you speak one love language, but your partner needs to receive a different love language. It’s possible to make it work in a relationship with different love language needs, but you need to work hard & have an understanding for what you & your partner need. The 5 love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, & Physical Touch. There’s even websites, books, & blogs solely dedicated to this topic.

There are different reasons to date - not everyone is dating to marry, some people date for knowledge (to figure out what they want), some people date for fun, some people date for just a boyfriend/girlfriend, & others date for marriage. There’s no shame in why you date, but it’s helpful to figure out what your reason is.

Be realistic in your timelines - you really don’t see your partner’s real communication style until 9-12 months into a relationship, so it’s best that you figure out what you need & can provide & be vocal about this from the very beginning.

The amount of love you feel for someone does not indicate how perfect they are for you or how easily your relationship will work. Every relationship takes a lot of hard work. Hollywood has done us an injustice by making it look easy & having everything work with minimal effort. 

I would totally recommend to EVERYONE I know that they have a session with Anita (she has male clients too!). Look her up, check her out, read her blog, call her, see her! She even Skypes if you aren’t in the Chicago area :)

Happy loving...