Father, Almighty

I've constantly struggled with my religion; I've tried to have a connection with God, I've attended mass, I've gone to church events, I've read the bible, I went to Catholic school, I wore the uniform, I've studied the history - none of it has clicked with me. I have talked to people who swore their relationship with God has saved them, I wish I understood, but I just can't.

It's no secret that I have a toxic relationship with my father - I always have. The man said & did some pretty terrible things to me that would forever impact my relationship with men. I struggle with trusting others, I don't always see my value, & my self-confidence can be pretty low…it doesn't take a psychologist to tell you this would happen, considering daddy dearest constantly reminded me that he wishes my mother had an abortion, or that he thought I was a waste of a blow job, all while asking if I could just leave him alone since he has his own family now.

I recently had a realization that not only has my relationship with other men been impacted, but so has my relationship with God. Think about it - almost every religion has God as a patriarchal figure. "Our Father, who art in heaven…" If the only example you have of a father is that of shit, how can you establish a quality relationship with the Father Almighty? How can you put your trust & faith into a figure when you can't even trust the one man who is supposed to love you unconditionally? How can you have a connection with religion when you don't even have a connection with your flesh & blood?

I just can't seem to make the ultimate connection with God given the only father figure I had growing up proved I was unworthy.

It's amazing how one person can make such a huge impact on your life. I know that my existence has a positive impact on this world; I know I am a good person; I know I have value; I know I am a good friend; I know I am not a burden; I know I am smart, kind, beautiful, & funny. I KNOW these things, but I don't always realize them. I put up walls with everyone, God included.

They say love concurs all; I've begun to love myself, therefore, I can overcome anything.